


If Only

by summerrain24601



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Gen, Trespasser, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-03-07 12:33:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13434819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerrain24601/pseuds/summerrain24601
Summary: She pulled back slightly, just enough to move her arm so she could touch the coin where it sat just below her collar. "I can't promise to come back this time…" she finally said."I know," he responded softly. He could hear the ache in his own voice, the wish that things were different."Cullen… It was an honor serving with you," she said formally, though he knew when her voice cracked that she wished there was some alternative. "Whatever happens, I want you to know that I wouldn't trade the years we've had together for anything." She rested her head against his chest, and he allowed himself to marvel in the fact that their bodies seemed to fit so well together. "I love you," she whispered.His arms tightened around her. "I love you too," was all he could say.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Cause I don't make enough feelsy shorts.

"Do you know what this has cost us with Orlais and Ferelden? They are planning on dismantling us as we speak!" Josephine said, her voice strained. She sighed and looked down at the writing board she always carried. "And perhaps they are right…" 

When he heard her wordless cry of pain, and saw the flash of bright green light out of the corner of his eye, Cullen's heart sank. He turned to look at her, one hand dragging across the table as he made his way around it. No, not this, not now. He found himself flashing back to the Inquisition's early days, when she had been fighting the Anchor in much the same way. He hadn't witnessed much of it himself, having been more focused on battling the demons, but he had read the reports after. It had been hard on her back then. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for her now. 

"Shit…" he heard her mutter. "Damn it!" she growled. "We save Ferelden, and they're angry. We save Orlais, and they're angry. I close the Breach _twice_ , and now my own hand is trying to kill me!" He could see the tears in her eyes, the frustration and anger… and fear. "Could one thing in this fucking world just stay fixed!" A bolt of electricity shot from her fingertips, shattering a nearby vase, but no one commented on it. "I need to get to the Darvaraad. While I can still fight. You can all argue amongst yourselves once… once I'm back." The anger only faded from her voice at her those last three words, though they all saw the sparks that jumped between her fingers, and how the static lifted her hair from her shoulders. They had only seen her like this once before, during the argument regarding her conscription of the rebel mages in Redcliffe.

Cullen approached her slowly, remembering how dangerous she could be when she got like this. Last time someone had touched her while she was electrified, the poor sod took two weeks to wake up. He reached out to her when he was close enough, hesitating a moment before putting one hand on her cheek. She looked up at him, the scars on her face seeming more prominent in the scant torchlight, and in her gaze he saw again the frustration and fear. He silently wrapped his arms around her. 

He found himself thinking back to the day they met in the little chapel that had been set up off Skyhold's garden. The day she admitted her fear of failing, her fear of dying. And, once again, he too was afraid. The only reason she survived the unstable anchor before was because of Solas, and he wasn't here to help this time. Unless some miracle happened, Cullen knew in his heart that he was going to lose her this time. He finally released her and stepped back.

"Thank you, Inquisitor," Leliana said after a moment. It seemed almost out of place, those words without explanation. But it wasn't necessary. They all knew what the destabilization of the mark meant. 

"Would you… would you like us to inform the Exalted Council of the danger?" Josephine asked hesitantly.

"Yes," she responded, her voice steady again, running the back of one hand across her cheeks. "If we fail, the Council needs to know what happened."

"I'll see to it personally," Leliana decided.

"Leliana, I can--" Josephine began.

"No, your job is hard enough already," the spymaster responded, sounding sad. "This is my responsibility."

"I'll have guards ready at the eluvian, in case the Qunari try to attack the palace," Cullen said.

"Maker watch over you," Leliana said softly. With that, the spymaster and ambassador left to take care of their respective tasks. Cullen, however, stayed behind with his wife. 

"Cullen, I…" she began, falling silent with a sigh. She pressed against him, and he wrapped his arms around her again. There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't. He couldn't. Something kept him from saying what he so desired to. He noticed that, around her neck, she still wore the coin he'd given her at the lake so long ago. Their good luck charm. She pulled back slightly, just enough to move her arm so she could touch the coin where it sat just below her collar. "I can't promise to come back this time…" she finally said. 

"I know," he responded softly. He could hear the ache in his own voice, the wish that things were different. 

"Cullen… It was an honor serving with you," she said formally, though he knew when her voice cracked that she wished there was some alternative. "Whatever happens, I want you to know that I wouldn't trade the years we've had together for anything." She rested her head against his chest, and he allowed himself to marvel in the fact that their bodies seemed to fit so well together. "I love you," she whispered.

His arms tightened around her. "I love you too," was all he could say. They had just been married, how could something like this happen? He didn't want to let her go, but he knew he had to. For the sake of Thedas, he had to send her into the fray again, not knowing whether she would return to him. "Andraste preserve me… I almost lost you once, now I might lose you again."

She looked up at him, her beautiful, bright blue eyes brimming with tears. "I have to go, Cullen," she said gently. "And… Who knows what the Anchor will do when it destabilizes too much. It's better if that doesn't happen here, there's too many important people." She pressed her lips to his, a last desperate connection. "Of everything that's happened since Haven, three years ago, you are something I could never regret." It was his turn to kiss her, and he felt her tears across his skin. He broke the kiss and put one hand once more on her cheek, wiping at her tears with his thumb.

"What will you tell the others?" he asked gently. 

"The truth," she replied with a sigh. "That the Anchor has been getting worse ever since we got here. That I saw no point in mentioning it because I don't know how to fix it. That I don't know how much time I've got left… And that we need to end this Qunari plot, no matter what." The determination returned to her voice, the determination that had drawn him to her in the first place. She placed her hand over his. "No matter what happens to me in there, you need to be ready to fight the Qunari if I don't stop them."

"Why didn't you say anything before?" he wanted to know, as he ran his fingers through her hair. He imprinted the memory into his mind. If these were to be their last moments together, he would make sure not to forget. 

"You know as well as I do that the only one who could've done anything to stop it was Solas," she reminded him. "Without him to cast whatever magic it was that kept this from killing me three years ago, there was nothing else to be done." Again, her head rested on his chest. "I didn't want you worrying over something you couldn't change." Because he did have a tendency to worry too much. 

"I worry about you anyway," he reminded her. "You're my wife, how can I not?" He was about to say something more when the bright green light flared again, and she cried out wordlessly at the pain. He ended up biting his tongue, wishing there was something he could do for her. But his templar training was useless for this. His heart cried out for her. 

When the flare subsided and she caught her breath again, she pushed lightly on his chest. "Cullen, I shouldn't put this off any more," she said softly. "If… if I don't come back, have the Inquisition disbanded. And make sure my family knows…" 

"Of course," he promised, kissing her one last time.


	2. Chapter 2

He was glad, at least, that he didn't have to deal with the headache that was the council itself, though how Leliana and Josephine had managed to do it he had no idea. And Cassandra becoming Divine was just strange to think about. But it had made sense, he supposed, that the former Left and Right Hands worked well together. These thoughts and more ran through his head as he patrolled the grounds, trying to keep his mind off what might be happening to his beloved. A glance down at the ring on his left hand, the ring that she had slipped on him just days ago. It was identical to hers, though hers was smaller to fit her slimmer hand. He couldn't help it anymore, he made his way back toward the Eluvian. And just in time, too.

The room flared with light as he opened the door. First, Sera. She'd driven him nuts, but Sera had become a good friend of his wife's. So he tolerated her. Most of the time. Next, Iron Bull. The Qunari mercenary who had become a steadfast ally. Cullen had had his doubts about Bull in the beginning, but they had proven unfounded. The Chargers were a good company, and their leader a force to be reckoned with. If only he'd stop daring the visiting nobles to outdrink him. Third, Rainier. Cullen still didn't trust him, after all that had happened. Not on a personal level, at least. His skill in battle, however, was something that could not be ignored. But then, the light faded, and his heart sank. She hadn't returned with them. 

The three of them spotted him, then turned to watch the mirror again. No words were exchanged, and for a moment he was reminded of the battle of Adamant Fortress. Back then, they had come through the Rift before her, leaving everyone to fear for her before she jumped through with Hawke and closed it behind her. Once again, the light filled the room, breaking his train of thought as he began to hope. This time, he saw her step through, but something was quite wrong. Her left arm, the marked hand, stopped about halfway before it should have. But she was alive, and she had returned to him. That, for now, was all he cared about. The others parted, and she finally saw him. She gave him a small, hesitant smile before glancing away shyly, as if she was worried about his reaction to her missing arm. He simply crossed the few feet left and gathered her in his arms. After a moment, he felt her right hand clinging to his tunic, though he could tell that she was shaking. But there was no mark to bother her now. No Anchor that might end her life without warning. She was back, and she was his.

"I should... change before I go back to the council," she said finally, slowly. She looked down at her left arm, and he guessed what she was worried about. He placed one hand lightly on her cheek, gently making her meet his gaze. 

"When I married you, I swore to love you for the rest of my days," he reminded her. "That doesn't change even if you only have one arm to work with." He saw the worry, the fear, slowly fade from her bright eyes. He'd seen her through nightmares and battles of all kinds. He'd been both scared of her and scared for her, more than once over the last few years. Losing part of her arm? Well, it was certainly better than the alternative. He softly kissed her, simply marveling at the fact that she had, once again, returned to him. She had always said that there was a strange sort of luck that put her at the center of all this. Maybe it was that strange luck that had saved her once again.

"Solas was there," she said suddenly, catching him more than a little off guard. "He... I don't know what kind of magic it was, but he used a spell to save me." 

"I'll have to thank him for that, if I see him again," Cullen said after a moment. He had always found something strange about the elven apostate, not just because he had up and disappeared on them after she defeated Corypheus. But he had saved her not once, but twice now. First after the Conclave blew up, and again by removing the mark. They both hesitated to say any more, simply reveling in the fact that they could be together again after all.

"If you think you'll need it, I can help you change," he suggested softly, only now realizing that they had somehow ended up alone in the room.

"I... might actually need some help," she admitted, a hint of a blush drawn to her cheeks. She was so strong, she'd always hated asking for help. But they were husband and wife, they were there to help each other through anything that came their way. Even this. And he would always stay by her side, regardless of what happened to the Inquisition. They had already made tentative plans to visit his siblings in South Reach, and then her family up in Ostwick. Maybe now was a good time to do that. To get away from everything once this was done.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm 10-ish chapters into a real-world / Thedas crossover. Let me know if you'd be willing to read it.


End file.
